Rethinking Sex

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By Christine Emba

Publisher Description

Part searing examination, part call to arms—a bold case against modern sexual ethics, from young Washington Post columnist Christine Emba.

For years now, modern-day sexual ethics has held that “anything goes” when it comes to sex—as long as everyone says yes, and does so enthusiastically. So why, even when consent has been ascertained, are so many of our sexual experiences filled with frustration, and disappointment, even shame?

The truth is that the rules that make up today’s consent-only sexual code may actually be the cause of our sexual malaise—not the solution. In Rethinking Sex, reporter Christine Emba shows how consent is a good ethical floor but a terrible ceiling. She spells out the cultural, historical, and psychological forces that have warped our idea of sex, what is permitted, and what is considered “safe.” In visiting critical points in recent years—from #MeToo and the Aziz Ansari scandal, to the phenomenal response to “Cat Person”—she reveals how a consent-only view of sex has hijacked our ability to form authentic and long-lasting connections, exposing us further to chronic isolation and resentment.

Reaching back to the wisdom of thinkers like Thomas Aquinas and Andrea Dworkin, and drawing from sociological studies, interviews with college students, and poignant examples from her own life, Emba calls for a more humane philosophy, one that starts with consent but accounts for the very real emotional, mental, social, and political implications of sex—even, she argues, if it means saying no to certain sexual practices or challenging societal expectations altogether.

More than a bold reassessment of modern norms, Rethinking Sex invites us to imagine what it means to will the good of others, and in turn, attain greater affirmation, fulfillment, and satisfaction for ourselves.

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14 Reviews

3.0

Jarrel Oliveira

Created about 1 year ago

“I thoroughly enjoyed Christine's book. Anyone who critiques her argument against frivolous escapes is either stuck in the mind-numbing whirlpool of cultural hedonism or about to enter the pool because anyone who has experienced the perfunctory behavior of copious partners (great and bad experiences) can vouch for the unfulfilling nature of such a lifestyle. Granted, Christine does not argue against sexual liberation. In fact, she argues in favor of it, having left the world of American evangelicalism and its insane crotch Christianity obsession, namely, purity culture. She argues against our inability to stop and think about why we feel so obligated to perform and indulge in an age where everyone is doing it simply for the sake of doing so, without real desire or fulfillment. I presume experimentation is a part of it all, especially for adults entering their college/university years, but the consequence of over-indulgence sans agency ends with regrettable experiences. Note: This is not in defense of predators or predatory behaviors. Every single predator should be imprisoned for the rest of their lives. Victims are never at fault for being victimized. If this conversation were about food vs gluttony, I believe everyone would be on board with the idea of taking time to understand why we consume copious buckets of food. We even follow influencers online who pride themselves on portion control, food quality, and ethical food standards because what we put into our bodies matters tremendously to our overall emotional, chemical, and physiological well-being. But turning this argument on the quality of our partners and why we feel the numbing urge to participate in so many escapades without giving thought as to why we're doing so... is worth discussing. Wholesome and healthy exploration is one thing but hedonistic abandon is another. If we cannot tell the difference, individually and collectively, because who we sleep with does affect our social circles, then we've walked down the wrong path of liberation. If all liberation gives us is the opportunity to further harm ourselves; emotionally, psychologically, etc., we're not truly liberated by thus subjugated to another form of oppression, in this case, meaningless pleasure. The bit where some critics believe Christine is promoting shame culture is false. She in fact condemns shame culture in her argument in favor of consensual kinks and whatnot. But, in all honesty, there are certain habits formed within the privacy of a room that we can go without, because their origin, namely, violent and explicit content found online, is harmful and detrimental to a persons psychological makeup. I won't go into detail about those habits, but I presume you know what I infer here. All in all, Christine's petition isn't for us, women AND men, to return to Victorian suppression of desires and whatnot, but to look forward to an era of responsible and wholesome relationships filled with love and care. The nature and history of hookup culture, which is not new and spans back generations, if not centuries depending on the culture in mind, is one which leaves the pursuant of pleasure with a sense of continual disappointment. Always seeking a high that will never come from senseless interactions. I would highly recommend this book to young adults struggling with the emotional, psychological, and relational consequences of hookup culture. I believe people past this stage in life stand to benefit more, not just from abstinence because abstinence isn't for everyone, but from a more wholesome selection of partners or partner, one can love, respect, care for, and be cared for in the future. We stand to benefit in other areas of a relationship when we see ourselves caring for and being cared for by that partner. 5 Stars.”

Andrew Y

Created about 1 year ago

Aisha

Created about 1 year ago

“Feelings are weirdly mixed about this one. I was intrigued from the beginning; especially when she opened with a reference to the short story “Cat Person” published in the New Yorker in 2017. The point the author is making about consent having a bit of a grey area — what it means when we say “yes”; how all non-consensual sex is bad but not all consensual sex is good — is a good one, and I agree. As well as with the fact that loneliness can lead us to reaching for the wrong people or even the right people for the wrong reasons. However, a lot of the “evidence” the author pulled from was just western gender norms. There was an air to her words that women are more emotional and that casual sex could only be framed from a misogynistic view. And so [spoiler I guess??] the solution was for everyone to have less sex, which to me feels counterproductive. This was a solid 2.5 star read — I think I’m being generous, but I’m trying to leave room for my personal bias and disagreements I guess.”

tedtrembinski

Created about 1 year ago

About Christine Emba

Christine Emba is a columnist for The Washington Post writing about ideas and society. Prior, she was the Hilton Kramer Fellow in Criticism at the New Criterion and a deputy editor at the Economist Intelligence Unit, focusing on technology and innovation.